[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Finally
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
choose your fighter
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play