Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*