Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You Might Also Like
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee