Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Clients after you give them your rates
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’