[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.