Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good