me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
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Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
sigh
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??