me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS