“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes