Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂