One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.