Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Cinematography is my passion
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…