The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”