ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”