No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
You Might Also Like
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.