There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower