I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
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Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
#winning
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.