when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[shakes fist at other fist]
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
good morning
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
so much to do
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?