Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Go hard or stay average
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.