It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
the three genders
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I’m good, thanks.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills