Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
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Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Taliband
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.