(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
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I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.