“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
this is literally a CIA plant
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
#Caturday
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”