Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
You Might Also Like
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
<—- homeless romantic
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
SF is the wild wild west man
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Stop it! 😂
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.