– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.