A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.