Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Love this one 😂🧟
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it