Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.