*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6