Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.