you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Finally
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.