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My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.