my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
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Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.