Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?