Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
You Might Also Like
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.