god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You Might Also Like
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Never forget.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.