On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk