We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.