I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.