me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!