The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine