*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
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On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
birds and squirrels envy us
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
😆this is so true
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills