Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
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Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*offers Batman cough drops*
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
You know…for fall…
Happy thanksgiving
They’re called werewolves.