I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.