SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
notice
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.