How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”