My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
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Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Our lord and savoury.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?