People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
You Might Also Like
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
🤔😂😂
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I’m good, thanks.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.