the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”