Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
This is always good for a laugh.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Haha good job!!